Toasty Doom
by The Obliteratist
Summary: While making some toast, Barninstina accidentally blows up his house and goes to heck.


The story you are about to read is (806174941.968 / (28393.22^2*(500*(1.547))^0))*10^2 percent true, and it all happened just the other day.

It was but a regular stormy night inside my dank, impure, earwig-infested house. The rain was persistent, and so my evening was reduced to activities I could do whilst hiding beneath my desk. Having been given 3253 HOURS WORTH OF HOMEWORK, I decided to spend my time doing that first. It seemed like I wasn't going to have the most relaxing night, and the rain inside my house confirmed it as soon as I thought that thought by raining hella rain down on my SEGA ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM. "Golly SHITE." I said with rather abnormal levels of salt in my voice. "I was going to indulge in some HALO right after finishing up these last few homework questions. Now I have nothing to quell my undying thirst for a good rpg." In an act of intense anger, I stormed over to my kitchen with the storm clouds following me. After staring at my empty fridge for a bit, I decided to make some toast, and have it with soup. While bringing my bread to the toaster room, many thoughts crossed my head. "I wonder if toasters will ever be reduced in size in the future. It would be fantastic to be able to fit more than one toaster inside an entire room." While toasting the utter GARBAGE out of my toast, my house spontaneously burst into flames and exploded. I could hear my many video games crying out in agony, as every single one of them were devoured by the inferno. "Oh well lol. I couldn't play them without a console anyway." It was then that I heard my FULL NAME being called. "Barninstina Popeolla the SevenTennith... Why did you let me perish?" It was my SEGA ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM, which was now a ghost for some reason. "I'm sorry. I couldn't change the fact it was raining inside my house. That's weather for ya.", I said. I then felt the sudden urge to fall to my knees, and do 17 push-ups. "I am very displeased with you, Barninstina. You're going to heck." "NO WAY SEGA ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.", I said as I pulled out a handful of sporks to throw at the wicked console. Unfortunately for me, I had somehow forgotten it was still raining inside my house. The inside of my house was now outside, and so was the storm. As soon as my VERY METAL sporks were dislodged from my pocket, the god of lightning saw this as the perfect opportunity to pop the ult on me. I died instantly from the lightning, and right before I died, I was able to raise my middle finger at the stupid floating console. I awoke inside what looked to be an office waiting room. This was going to be a very different night from that which I envisioned. I walked up to the secretary, who appeared to be reading a book labeled "Americannot Talent". "Excuse me, miss", I said as I approached. "Do you happen to know where I am?" The secretary looked up from her book, and I very quickly realized that "she" was not a woman at all. It was the famous Steve Harvey, host of the critically acclaimed game show "Family Feud". "Miss?", exclaimed Steve. "Do I look like a woman to you?" Oh god. I quickly clipped through a nearby wall to get out of there. What was happening. Where was I? And why the HELL does Steve Harvey have such an amazing voice. These were all questions that had to wait, as I needed to attack this problem at its source. I need to tear into this problem's heart, and destroy all evil inside it. I need to freeze its core over, smash it with a hammer, or obliterate it in some other insane way. Right now, I need to eviscerate the problem's, uh... nucleus? Just kidding forget all that, I probably just need to kill my Entertainment System's ghost or something. And just like that, the S.E.S.'s phantasmagorical image appeared before me. "If you want your precious toast/games back," moaned the specter, "bring me the seven Chaos Emeralds." "Well, don't have any kind of problem with that!", said ME. "I'll just give you all my trust right now because the story needs to progress okthanksbye." "Then the system just disappears", says the system as it disappears. And so I began my vast journey to find all the Chaos Emeralds. This is not at all how I thought I was going to be spending my time today. I thought my evening was going to be VIOLENTLY PREGNANT with homework, but I guess some things change for the better. I then ran off at Sonic Speed™ to find the Chaos Emeralds. However, before I did that, I had to make a little visit. "I'm gonna rob a bank.", I yelled. As soon as I said that 234 million cop cars surrounded me and opened fire. I proceeded to stack some cars on top of each other, and I made a rectangle 10 cars wide by 4 cars high. My stacking efforts rewarded me with a Tetris™, and it also managed to scare off all the cops. At the bank, I was able to simply walk in and take all the money I needed. If anyone asked me why I needed 2.37834^23 dollars, I would just respond with one of my slogans. "Y'know, it's like I always say. Can't make the scene if ya don't got the green. That's, a... CLASSIC BARNINSTINA SAYING." Whoever hid the Chaos Emeralds last was a genius. I mean, who would ever think to scavenge the inside of a Walmart bathroom for priceless gems that hold unlimited power? Luckily, all the Chaos Emeralds were inside the sink of that bathroom. Now I just have to reach in and take them out. That's the only thing I have to do. My freedom/toast is so close. All I need to is reach in and take. Those. Gems. Out. Of. The. Sink. "You are a fool, Barninstina..." Oh freak. That was Steve Harvey's voice. I looked around for him, but he just laughed maniacally. "Mortal, do you wish to see death?" "Sure why not.", I responded to nothing visible. "Very well. Gaze upon my twisted visage." I looked back to the sink, and noticed the Chaos Emeralds were gone. Looking back up from the sink, I could only see mirrors. Steve Harvey stood inside every mirror, infinitely reflecting against his own image throughout a never-ending hallway. I stood in horror, dreading what kind of power this man wielded. I tried to run, but the mirrors would tear, multiply and melt into each other to make way for me. "As my vessel multiplies, my power does the same. Keep running. It will only make me stronger." Wait, what's that about a vessel? Hollup a minute, that isn't Steve Harvey! I reached inside a random mirror on the wall and grabbed Steve by the face. I tied him up with my sporks, and slapped him a few times to get 'em on edge. "WHO ARE YOU?", I yelled at the defeated man. "Oh no, I've been found out.", said Harvey, except not in his usual voice. That was the voice of a machine. "SEGA ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM?", I exclaimed in true shock/surprise/other boring emotion. The ghost of a game console left Steve Harvey's body. "Fine. You got me. Are you happy now?" "I'm confused, I'll tell you that much.", I spat. "Why would you task me with collecting the Chaos Emeralds when you already had them?" "Oh, 'cause I wanted to waste your time. YOU never had time for me, you frike. Always choosing your homework over playing with yer good ole' pal S.E.S. What's wrong with you?", responded the irate system. "Well guess what you're dumb", I said as I pointed at the system with the power of an objection. Both Steve Harvey and the ghost died instantly, but not before I could tell the console how much it DIDN'T EXIST.

After pointing for a good five minutes, I awoke with a jolt at my computer desk, realizing I had somehow written an entire story whilst asleep.


End file.
